Since having kids, a lot has changed as it should. We aren’t party animals that go out every single weekend and get toasted (apparently that is another word for drunk – I like ice cream wasted better). Now, don’t get me wrong. We are very fortunate that our parents aren’t our babysitters while we work during the week so we do get to go out one or two nights a month and sometimes we have a little too much fun, but its definitely down a lot from before. Pre kids, we went out 3 -4 nights a week – but I couldn’t keep up LOL. I’m a lightweight.
Anyway, we were talking tonight and as we talked about inviting people over and who we talk to regularly now, it made me really sad to think about. We aren’t nearly as close to people as we were before. And of course, that happens when you pop out two adorable kids (they get it from their mama!).
We were talking about friendships and how it used to be and how it is now. Chad said that he’s lost friends and don’t keep in touch and that makes me sad. He said something about Concord boys and how it wasn’t as cliquey back in the day as it is now (I only heard part of it, I was too busy playing Jewel Mania on my phone :/). I can understand his frustration though – I text some of his friends and they don’t respond at all (or for weeks – as if taking two minutes to say I got your message and let me get back to you when I have more time takes 4 hours worth of work).
Eventually you just stop trying. BUT I told him, there are some friends who are always there no matter what and that it is a two way street and he can’t expect for them to really engage if he isn’t engaging or trying and the same goes for me.
For people who ignore me a few times, I’m just done. If you don’t have the decency to send me a two minute text back, then I don’t have the time to do the same for you. One thing my friends are really good at is getting back to you and I’m so grateful for that. I don’t think I’ve ever gone 48 hours without hearing back from a text or phone call from a friend who I’ve called and vice versa.
Now there is also this thing that we call grudges and people are bitter bitches and hold those. I’ve held those. I haven’t talked to two of my besties in 3 months because of a grudge that has burned me deep to my core. Words were said that broke me in half and sent me in a depression and gain weight and I’m just finally crawling out of this and getting back to me again.
People hold grudges because it makes them feel in control, it makes them feel like they “have something on you” and it doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t make you a better person, it just creates stress, trust me, I know. So while you don’t have to be buddy buddy, you should let go (I know, I know, I’ll take my own advice soon – hopefully!) because it clears up so much negative energy for you.
With all of that said, lets talk about a few different ways to become friendship material.
Rockin Your Friendships Dollface
Respond When They Text, Email Or Call You – I know you’re busy, I’m busy and we’re all busy. But a text, call or email is a start to a conversation so just not responding is like just randomly walking away from someone who asks you a question in person. Clearly if you’re traveling, having a baby or any other emergencies that is a different story, but show the same respect you would want someone to show you
Take Initiative – I tried to build relationships with Chad’s friends. It’s hard because they’ve grown up together and there aren’t any real “new” people who hang out with them outside of their town. When I look at all the significant other’s from their friends who aren’t from their area, I notice a disconnect.
Chad said that he notices sometimes when we are out with his friends that they are all chatting about stories from the past or whatever that I’m off on my own and it’s true. I don’t know what happened back in high school and I don’t always relate because I grew up with a completely different lifestyle BUT I don’t let that stop me from trying to get to know people. I might not be from a “prominent” family or connected to everyone here, but I love chatting with people and getting to know them.
Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone And Invite Others With You – I invited one of my best friends with me to Vegas and she said yes. It about trying new things together and getting out of the same ol’ same ol’. How an you expect to grow as a mother, friend, daughter, wife, fiance, etc if you aren’t consistently pushing yourself to do things you haven’t done before. Chad even agreed to go to Mexico with me in November – who’s excited? This girl right here!
Forgive Even If You Don’t Get An “I’m Sorry” – Okay, this is one that I NEED to work on and I should probably learn how to say it non-sarcastically. I’m a work in progress too. I don’t think I am always a great friend but I know that I’m not a horrible one, I just need to make sure that I continuously work on forgiveness of myself and friends and family.
Don’t Isolate Yourself – Chad and I did this – well mostly him. I love going out and having people over but I think with losing his dad and crazy family issues that he didn’t know how to communicate with me or others about it and so he just shut down and I understand that completely. I just wish I would have at least asked for help or done something to let his friends know how much he needed them. I didn’t do a very good job with that and I definitely need to work on that.
These are just a few. I need to work on myself as a person, friend and mom and I know that I will forever be evolving. I just want people to share important moments with. I’m in the process of a huge health scare and while I’ve told two people and my mom and Chad’s mom – it just sucks to feel that I don’t have anyone to share with.
Clearly this is just the tip of the iceberg and I think its me venting and feeling sad because I feel like I think differently with being in this waiting game for me to know if I need to have surgery and go through chemo & radiation. Maybe I just feel lost right now? Maybe I just need a hug? Or a glass of wine? Or ……who knows? But I just wanted to share my feelings while they were real and raw. But let me stop now before I get tooooooo sappy.
Share with me…what is important for you with friendships, especially if you have kids and aren’t going out every weekend?